Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
