Soap is not a condiment
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
