Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
