I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
