and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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