I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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