I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
