Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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