my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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