Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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