also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
you're hired as official boob wrangler
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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