So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
