Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
