I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
