They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
