I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
