he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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