Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
