i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
