forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I had to cum in my sink.
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