decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
