I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
