I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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