And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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