he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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