You're completely useless in the revolution.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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