that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
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