Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
BRING THE BAGELS
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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