You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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