she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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