I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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