he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
