remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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