Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize