I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
