even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
