You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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