I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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