Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize