it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
