Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
