There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You've changed since you got that strap on
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
