I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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