that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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