I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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