im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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