is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
