We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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