You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
