I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
