k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
