mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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