god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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