so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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