I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
