I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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