he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
