No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
