MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
