life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
