I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
